Saturday, March 24, 2012

Blip journal; the progress of a nyc writer. Grief and work

Odilia Rivera Santos

It is a beautiful gray day and dry twigs outside the window are clicking together as if applauding. I had a very busy week in which I interacted with a lot of people and had to work hard to not engage with people whose energy was a bit off -- those who approach me in a sexual way when I've shown no interest in them in that way, the bitter, the angry and those who complain to live and live to complain.
It has been a tough month. My brother died on March 6. He struggled with cancer and many other ailments, including many hospitalizations, treatments, etc. I felt the grief in my body -- my sleep was erratic as we waited for the inevitable. When people are terminally ill and in pain, you think only of how their suffering will end. I had to grieve many things about Nestor's death and I did.
The grief made me want to be alone with the covers over my head but I chose to go to work, go out with friends, and stay online -- doing social media work for the Latino Rebels and for Arturo O'Farrill and the Latin Jazz Orchestra, ActNow Foundation and some others I have great faith in.

Eight days after my brother's death, I was walking down the street and a huge metal coffee pot stand with holders for two pots fell next to my foot. The sound was loud enough to make everyone walking up and down the street stop. There was shattered glass everywhere and I hardly heard it because I was so preoccupied with thoughts of what could have been better or different in my brother's life.
I didn't even jump. A man yelled out: "You are so lucky! You are so lucky! Do you realize how lucky you are?"
This is something my brother used to say. I never understood what he meant until he died. I am very lucky. Although I work very hard at everything I do, there is an amazing element of magic and luck in my life.

El que nace con suerte nadie se la quitará - ?

Yesterday, at the memorial service for Aaron Ingram, the founder of ActNow Foundation, I was extremely sad and cried about the loss of such an industrious intelligent creative soul. Even as I reminded myself how lucky I was to have known him at all and to have attended his events, the tears came. 
Crying is just a way to purge sadness for not being able to give someone a hug or shake his or her hand. 
I prayed for guidance and asked Aaron and my brother Nestor to feel free to help me keep out of my own way so I may be service to the world in whatever way the universe sees fit. I am humble enough to accept new spirit mentors.

I walked past the church, the sun shone so brilliant and everything seemed still. The cherry blossoms lined the path and something told me to just walk down the street.
I did and I ran into Chris Rock; he was gracious, kind and agreed to let me interview him sometime. 

I don't know what it means, but the most important thing is that I don't have to know.

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